:: Monday, February 28 ::
i bought a house. go check it out.
:: Friday, December 24 ::
:: caroline 9:10:00 PM [+] ::
im fully aware that no one wants to read all of my wah wah wah christmas sucks bullshit. but here it is anyway.
:: Monday, November 29 ::
:: caroline 12:40:00 AM [+] ::
theres a new entry. its all about my first thanksgiving without her.
:: Monday, October 11 ::
:: caroline 1:01:00 PM [+] ::
:: Thursday, September 30 ::
i went skydiving!
:: caroline 11:46:00 PM [+] ::
new entry. re: life these days.
:: Saturday, September 11 ::
:: caroline 1:42:00 AM [+] ::
there is no cure. there is no test. there are no symptoms.
:: Thursday, September 9 ::
its undetectable. and untreatable. and more often than not, its diagnosed as something other than what it is. something less deadly.
my mother. and thousands of other women. died from it already this year.
september is national ovarian cancer awareness month.
:: caroline 7:01:00 PM [+] ::
i got a job! go read all about it!
:: Monday, September 6 ::
:: caroline 1:34:00 AM [+] ::
happy birthday, mom.
:: Saturday, August 21 ::
:: caroline 9:27:00 PM [+] ::
have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. do not now look for the answers. they cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. it is a question of experiencing everything. at present you need to live the question. perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day... -rainer maria rilke
:: Monday, August 9 ::
:: caroline 8:04:00 PM [+] ::
i have this opportunity. and i need your help, my friends. because im sitting here. and im sitting on my hands doing nothing.
and this is where you come in.
honestly now. if you were handed a large chunk of money that you knew would probably be the only large chunk of money ever handed to you, and the way its handed to you is in such a sad heartbreaking way that you dont even really want the money, but you know that you need to take it because thats what that person wanted. and this money is giving you a great chance. because youre excruciatingly unhappy in your present life, with everything around you. and this could help. immensely. what would you do with it? would you run off to live in paris for a year? would you invest it all, or some of it? would you use it for a large down payment on a house? what about if, even though where youre living now is home, youre really not sure how long youre going to be there because there arent a lot of opportunities, would you still buy a house? would you take a year off and travel the world? would you take some of it, move to where you would rather be and worry about a job later, and save/invest the rest? something else?
i am starting to actually feel pressured about this, and guilty that i havent done anything with it yet. guilty that im so unhappy and yet im letting this money just sit there in this life insurance account and not doing anything with it that could possibly help me out of my present situation. like im letting her down, disappointing her. and i know she wanted me to have it and that i have to take it, but it still makes me sad to even think about spending it. but i know she would want me to. and im just beating myself up about it. and why arent i doing something?
im not looking for miss america answers like id give it all to charity or something. i need help with this. i need honest answers. id really appreciate it. maybe one of these answers will help me get off my ass and do something.
:: caroline 10:14:00 PM [+] ::
also? ive changed, added, taken away, and updated some of my links over there on the left. if theres anything you think i should have there tell me all about it. and the archives still dont work. ive tried everything. also. ive erased the flicks section and started over. not that any of you ever look over there. but hey.
:: caroline 1:57:00 PM [+] ::
i keep forgetting to update here.
:: Sunday, July 11 ::
theres a plethora of new entries over in the journal.
:: caroline 1:39:00 PM [+] ::
two new entries from thursday. here.
:: Wednesday, June 30 ::
:: caroline 10:56:00 PM [+] ::
believe it or not. i have been able to, now and then, make myself useful. i have been applying to some newspaper jobs. out of town. out of state. way out of region. i stayed up until five am the other night finishing up an elaborate package, consisting of a cd portfolio and a print book to go along with it. so i could overnight it so it could be there today. the deadline.
:: Monday, June 21 ::
so. in case, you know, none of that works. ive update my website so the editors can just go online if they dont feel like looking at any of the things i slaved about thirteen hours over. heh. no hard feelings.
anyway. whats there is an exact copy of the portfolio thats on the cd. and in the book. in later weeks, the website will become something different altogether and will (finally!) have my resume, various categories of portfolios and a few other things, but i wanted to get something basic up for the jobs im applying for right now.
for some reason, the last page contact link isnt working for me, but i know the (embarassingly basic) coding is right. and i know safari can be wierd like that. so if any of you would like to go take a look and tell me if anything is or isnt working for you and your browser, that would be ever so helpful.
:: caroline 4:10:00 PM [+] ::
i know there are at least a couple of you still reading. so. just so you know. ive updated my journal with a whole truckload of new entries from the past couple of months. that i never got around to posting.
:: Tuesday, April 6 ::
see. im still kicking.
:: caroline 2:58:00 PM [+] ::
i forgot to say. theres a new entry here. from a couple of weeks ago.
:: Friday, March 12 ::
:: caroline 1:46:00 PM [+] ::
this morning at 515am. my mother ended her sixteen month fight. and found peace.
:: Sunday, February 22 ::
rest in peace, my beautiful mother.
:: caroline 6:50:00 PM [+] ::
theres another new entry over there.
:: Saturday, February 7 ::
:: caroline 11:06:00 PM [+] ::
theres a new entry about my week. you know. in case youre interested.
:: Friday, January 23 ::
:: caroline 12:11:00 AM [+] ::
the doctor told us today that my mother has "a few to six months" left to live.
:: Wednesday, January 21 ::
and tonight i found comfort in the arms of a 75 year old african american woman from alabama. my uncles mother. who comes to my mothers room to pray a few times a week. and as i hugged her goodbye, she wouldnt let go and i wouldnt let go. and it was the first real hug. you know. in a really long time. and i cried and cried and she whispered prayers into my ear.
my heart feels like its gone away. it just isnt there anymore. and my insides feel empty. and really. there are no words to describe this.
i just. hurt so much.
:: caroline 12:10:00 AM [+] ::
i almost cried three times while in the hospital room with my mother today. i felt that urge. you know. choked back the tears. i dont know how not to feel it. you know. watching her sleep. watching her blank face. then. as tears fall down her own face in disillusionment. i think im still in shock. i think theres still this part of me. that doesnt know how to cry about this. thats waiting for the right time. or something.
:: Wednesday, January 14 ::
i think the hardest part of today was watching her stare blankly. hopelessly. out her fifth floor window. just looking numb. and utterly stunned. the fifth floor. overlooking part of the city. and the ski area on the mountain in the distance. shes in the cancer ward now.
and i dont know how to cry about this. i dont know when i can. i dont know when it will be okay to just. let go. and just. cry about this.
and i know. theres this huge part of me. deep in my heart. that wants it to be summer. and wants it to be 1976. and wants to hold her hand. and wants to go to the park. and skip together on our way to the playground. and let her push me on the swings. and catch me at the end of the slide.
:: caroline 10:13:00 PM [+] ::
‘do a lot of praying for me tonight’ was her request after the junior residents in the white lab coats had gone, after they put the tube down her throat and into her stomach, by way of her nose.
:: Tuesday, January 13 ::
she called me this afternoon in tears. we had to admit her to the hospital today. i cant even talk about it right now. i cant even talk about it. i dont even know how to think about it.
but shes in the hospital. due to blockages and potential dangers caused by such. and tonight. im doing a lot of praying for her. and getting the extra bedroom ready.
:: caroline 2:10:00 AM [+] ::
"my favorite sport is watching you sleep / i like knowing you dont know im there / and anyone could guess the hours i keep / by the black-circle-bitchiness, the heidi-gone-acid hair" -edie carey 'lean into me (live)'
whats there to say right now. theres this huge part of me that wants to apologize for the state of my journal these days. its depressing, not to mention non-existant. i know it is. and i want to apologize for that. but this is my life right now. and anyway. i really. just wanted you to know that. i know. and im sorry.
so whats theres to say. its very likely that my mother will be moving in with us next week. we told her it was an option and she is sounding like she is almost ready to move forward with it now. this will mean a huge lifestyle change. i am nervous. and i can tell she is too. but mostly. im happy to be able to help her as much as i can right now.
we will be heading to dana farber. the fourth best cancer hospital in the united states. in the next couple of weeks. its been recommended by her doctor. and today. by accident. i found a statistic telling me that the five year survival rate of ovarian cancer is fifty three percent. fifty. three. fucking. percent. that made me angry. and made me cry. i dont know what else to say about that. really.
and i have worked for the last eight days. back at the newspaper. it was good to be there. good to see old friends. good to be working with friends again. just good to be in that fast paced high energy environment. i was covering for the woman i used to work with while she took some vacation time. i enjoyed it. the distraction. i always enjoyed the encompassing distraction aspect of that job. but toward the end of the week. when i started feeling really back into the swing. i started getting anxious. and little things started to annoy me. and it was thirty degrees below zero with the windchill. and i was out taking photos to bring my editors big bad ideas to fruition. photos that my editors thought should be taken. and now. you know. i can look back at the daily proof of the past week of my life. and be proud. but also. so glad its over.
yes. we looked at another wedding site last week. which was a great forty acre farm on top of a mountain. with an incredible view. and a pond. and unbelievably cheaper than the last one that was, more than not, a big disappointment. so yea.
and tonight. ill go to bed alone. as the boy is ten miles away. tending a middle of the night broken furnace in one of his buildings. sigh.
and big fish? cannot. wait.
:: caroline 12:34:00 AM [+] ::