:: Saturday, August 21 ::
have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. do not now look for the answers. they cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. it is a question of experiencing everything. at present you need to live the question. perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day... -rainer maria rilke
:: Monday, August 9 ::
:: caroline 8:04:00 PM [+] ::
i have this opportunity. and i need your help, my friends. because im sitting here. and im sitting on my hands doing nothing.
and this is where you come in.
honestly now. if you were handed a large chunk of money that you knew would probably be the only large chunk of money ever handed to you, and the way its handed to you is in such a sad heartbreaking way that you dont even really want the money, but you know that you need to take it because thats what that person wanted. and this money is giving you a great chance. because youre excruciatingly unhappy in your present life, with everything around you. and this could help. immensely. what would you do with it? would you run off to live in paris for a year? would you invest it all, or some of it? would you use it for a large down payment on a house? what about if, even though where youre living now is home, youre really not sure how long youre going to be there because there arent a lot of opportunities, would you still buy a house? would you take a year off and travel the world? would you take some of it, move to where you would rather be and worry about a job later, and save/invest the rest? something else?
i am starting to actually feel pressured about this, and guilty that i havent done anything with it yet. guilty that im so unhappy and yet im letting this money just sit there in this life insurance account and not doing anything with it that could possibly help me out of my present situation. like im letting her down, disappointing her. and i know she wanted me to have it and that i have to take it, but it still makes me sad to even think about spending it. but i know she would want me to. and im just beating myself up about it. and why arent i doing something?
im not looking for miss america answers like id give it all to charity or something. i need help with this. i need honest answers. id really appreciate it. maybe one of these answers will help me get off my ass and do something.
:: caroline 10:14:00 PM [+] ::
also? ive changed, added, taken away, and updated some of my links over there on the left. if theres anything you think i should have there tell me all about it. and the archives still dont work. ive tried everything. also. ive erased the flicks section and started over. not that any of you ever look over there. but hey.
:: caroline 1:57:00 PM [+] ::
i keep forgetting to update here.
theres a plethora of new entries over in the journal.
:: caroline 1:39:00 PM [+] ::